Pastoral Advice On Sex In Marriage
Rev. Matthew A. Merrill
October 2009
Before you read anything else:
Sex is the sign of marriage. God says to us, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother, cleave to his wife and the two will become one flesh." The one flesh is sex. God's design is that sex should be a regular and fulfilling part of marriage. Sex in its many forms is designed exclusively for the marriage relationship. Sex away from marriage not only violates God's will set forth in the Bible but sets a person up for emptiness, hurt and regret in the long run. If the relationship is right, then it will end up in marriage.
Now for those married couples out there. Here is my pastoral advice on sex. I have tried to write in a fashion that is blunt yet tasteful, clear while avoiding vulgarity. My hope and prayer is that this advice will be helpful to your sex life and marriage.
1. How often? Since the sexual revolution of the 1960s, sex has gone out of the bedroom and into advertising, entertainment and fashion. We live in a sex saturated culture. It’s hard to go through a single day without seeing or hearing a reference to sex. Our culture is oversexed. Yet, many people wonder in their marriage if they are having enough sex. Just what is normal? Discovering the frequency of sexual activity in the average household is difficult to ascertain for reasons you could guess. The Apostle Paul gives us a helpful command:
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. …Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:3, 5-6
Paul is saying that if you are not having sex for a period of time, it should be on purpose, to free the time up to pursue prayer – which is just as intimate, but very different.
Given the testosterone level of the average man, He has a physical need for sexual release about every 4 days. This varies with age, stress and other factors.
My experience in counseling tells me that most couples don’t suffer for too much sex, but not enough. I’ll address some of the reasons for that as we go further.
One solution to a frequency issue is to develop a day of the week that is your “sex day” that happens each week. Ancient Jewish Rabbis said that having sex on the Sabbath is not only a good idea but a mitzvah (a good deed to others). For you it might be Sunday or a day during the middle of the week. But make time to come together.
2. Sex and love and romance. Men and women see sex very differently. Most men see sex as a way to feel loved. We would equate sexual activity to romance & love and would even be OK without as much romance. Women tend to see sex as an expression of the love and romance that they are already experiencing. As a result, most men want to hop in bed so that they can feel close to their wife. Meanwhile, their wife needs to feel romantically connected to him before she wants to pursue sex. This difference, if not recognized, can lead to a lot of frustration.
Husbands, woo your wife. Verbally express your love to her. Listen to her without trying to solve her problems. Make her feel romantically connected to you and you have a much better chance of fun in the bedroom.
Wives, your man is chemically set up to use sex as a connecting point. All of us have the hormone oxytosin in our bodies. It is the hormone that is most responsible for bonding. On average, a woman has 20 times the amount of oxytosin in their body as a man. While breastfeeding the amount goes up even further. But there is one time when a man’s oxytocin level is actually greater than a woman’s; just after he ejaculates. For him, after sex is the time when he will feel most bonded to you. He is more likely to say and do sweet things after sex because of this hormonal release.
Understanding is key here. We both should respect and try to honor the differences between the genders. Men, add more romance. Women, realize that for him sex is romance.
3. Your body. We live in a culture where it is difficult to not be self conscious about your body. The media portrays beauty as a size 2 woman and a guy who wears a 44 Jacket with a 28 inch waist. Bless you if that is the body God gave you, but for the other 99.9% of us, we need to get more comfortable in the skin we are in. Because of these mythic standards, it can be hard to want anyone else to see and touch all of you.
Another wrinkle to body image is the teaching of many parents that some places on our body are “dirty.” The Bible disagrees with that view. Instead we are told that God designed our bodies and when He saw them he said his work was “very good.” While we have parts of our body that are private, they are not dirty, unless you need a shower.
Paul goes on to tell us that is marriage:
The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 1 Corinthians 7:4
Your body should be shared with your spouse. This can take many forms: massage, kissing, and intercourse. If you read through the Song of Solomon, you will find that it tells of the couple enjoying one another’s bodies in all kinds of ways. There are not Christian sex positions and sinful sex positions; the Bible does not limit your activity in marriage. Each couple should find what they both enjoy.
While physical perfection isn’t a possibility, it’s important to care for your body. Keep your body physically fit and healthy. This will be more appealing for your spouse and also will allow for greater variety and stamina in your love making.
*note: trying something new: If you would like to try an activity or position that you have not tried before, it’s best to talk to your partner about your idea outside of the bedroom. Nothing takes you out of the moment faster than hearing, “you want to do what!” Bringing up your ideas during the middle of the day, away from the bedroom, gives you time to talk about it without the pressure to decide that very moment. This is also a good process if there is something that you would like to cease or change from your love making habits. Critiquing your partner in the bedroom is not advised. Instead, tell him/her while fully clothed, “I’d like more of this… or that doesn’t really do it for me, but I was thinking that maybe…”
*note: body challenges: 100% of us should expect to experience some level of sexual dysfunction at some point in our lives. Because of illness, age or stress level, your body may not respond the way it used to. This is normal – don’t be embarrassed. Talk to your doctor – you won’t be the only one bringing up this subject with him this week. Thankfully we live in a world where modern chemistry can solve most issues quickly and discretely.
4. Let’s get it started: When it comes to arousal men and women are very very different. The best analogy I know of is this: men are like microwaves, women are like crock pots. A man can go from not aroused to fully aroused in a matter of seconds, most women take 5 to 10 minutes as a minimum. Guys, this means that her body requires more foreplay. Since many guys are goal minded, it might help to think of it this way: make your goal oneness rather than orgasm. Oneness is two people coming as close to one another as possible; connected heart, mind, body and soul. Aim at making your wife feel this way and other goals will be achieved as well.
Sometimes because of schedules, kids, etc all you will have time for is a quickie. This is not a bad thing to do. In fact it can be a nice way to start your day. But much like eating fast food, don’t make a steady diet of it. Longer times of sexual activity are needed for oneness to be found in a physical way.
5. Your bed: The marital bed is your bed. It is not your child’s bed – not now, not ever. It is not your pet’s bed – not now, not ever. While you certainly love your children and most likely feel affection for your pet, God doesn’t want them included in your love life. Once you start letting them come into your bed, it will be extremely difficult to stop the habit. But be strong and end this pattern now. If your child wakes up and needs someone to lay down with them so that they can fall asleep, do so in their bed, not yours. Don’t let the other ones in your house damage your sex life with your spouse by laying in your marital bed.
6. Dress for success: It’s a shame that Victoria’s Secret targets singles. Now that you are married, it’s appropriate for you to shop for their clothing that’s not just designed for comfort. Ladies, because your man is visually stimulated, a flannel nightgown isn’t going to do it for him. Guys, an old yellowed t-shirt doesn’t say romance to her.
7. Pornography: Avoid pornography at all costs; viewing it habit forming, addictive and will damage your marital intimacy. Because of online pornography, more people than ever are hooked on it. Sexual Addiction rates have never been higher. But there is help. xxxchurch.com has great prevention software and help for anyone trapped in the world of porn. The book, “Porn Again Christian” is an excellent (albeit very blunt) treatment of the subject. It’s available as a free ebook at relit.org/porn_again_christian.
8. Birth control & Infertility: While God has given us a command to “be fruitful and multiply,” we Presbyterians believe that some methods of birth control may be permissible. It’s important that you and your spouse pray about whether God is leading you to try to have children at any given time in your marriage.
If you sense that God is leading you to not pursue pregnancy at a given time, then find a birth control method that is designed to prevent conception, rather than one that just prevents implantation. While many have differing views on when life begins, we are all sure that if the sperm does not fertilize the egg life has not begun.
If you are struggling with infertility, my wife Grace and I would be glad to talk to you about our personal struggles with this issue and provide any help we can to you.
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